Meet Mid-40s Mandy – All the Emotions And Heat to Match

About 8 years ago, I wrote about the Inside Out film and how at that time (2017), my two kids tested me and acted out all of the different emotions.

Now fast forward to today. Meet me, mid-40s Mandy. I’m now living out all the emotions from the Inside Out 2 movie.

Anger – I feel sudden rage that comes out of nowhere. I spill a drink, and I curse with fury. I read an email at work that’s a normal, reasonable request but I want to throw a punch through my computer screen. I snap at someone in my house for them asking me a question.

Fear – I wake up my husband in the middle of the night because I think I’m having a health crisis. I don’t know if I recently had my first mega menopausal hot flash or experienced something else. I was more than just hot and sweaty from head to toe. I also had extreme stomach cramping and felt nauseous like I was going to pass out or throw up. It scared me.

Disgust – This one is a daily occurrence with me. I’m disgusted with myself. The most common reason is chin hair that I find every day and either pull, pluck or shave off. Where did these chin hairs live before I hit mid-40s and why are they trying to set up a colony on my face? Speaking of my face, I see the wrinkles and I can’t say that I love them. Or my neck that on some days and in certain angles, is starting to resemble a vagina, and not in a pretty or sexy manner.

Anxiety (worry) – I’ve got it. I had it almost immediately after Vivian gave me the wonderful news about her getting a female leading role in her summer theater production. I should have been so high on happiness and proud of her…And I was…but then anxiety settled in and I thought of all that could go wrong for her – drama on stage and behind the scenes. This is just one example of many I face on a regular basis–causing my heart to race and tension to build.

Embarrassment – I forget something I should know. I didn’t realize I had on two different socks or wore my shirt inside out for an entire day. I’ve had a piece of spinach in my teeth for a whole hour and didn’t even feel it. My daughter’s friends think ___ of me and sometimes it bothers me when it should not and then that manifests into embarrassment. Plus, there are countless other examples.

Envy – I’m envious of people who seem smarter, happier and more successful than me. Not all the time. I know I have it pretty well. But it happens. I turn into a 12-year-old version of myself and compare myself to others and then that leads to other emotions like disgust.

Sadness – There’s been a lot of sadness lately. We lost a very dear friend unexpectedly months ago. His death shook our core. We’re watching family members deteriorate in health and lose their spark. It’s easy to feel sad about that. Our whole world is sad – the way people talk to each other and treat each other. Yet sometimes the sadness is what we need to lead to joy and appreciation.

Joy – I am joyful at seeing my independent, confident daughters. They have accomplished so much in the last four months. I’m finding more ways to put joy into my life. I have sought help from close friends lately to really open up and talk about all the other emotions I’ve been feeling. Asking for help has led to joy. Building in more self-care and more time with my family has brought me joy. Acting on little whims like buying a random mini trampoline has made me happy – even though I did trip on it in the middle of the night and stubbed my toe and woke up Kirk out of a dead sleep – Cue in embarrassment.

You see — Mid-40s Mandy has a lot going on and swimming in her head. She’s complex. But she often makes herself more complex by doing things like writing herself in the third person.

So I’m making myself more complex than I need to be. I am.

When I get back to simple tasks and simple things, I find life less daunting and more joyful.

If I feel all the feels, I start my list of what’s worrying me or what I need to do. Then I give myself a few minutes to breath, pause, shout, dance, jump or whatever before I maybe begin tackling the list.

Or sometimes I say, screw it, I’ll get to it tomorrow and I take a 2-hour or half-day mental health break.

There’s no exact science. I’m working it out and making it up each day.

I’m realizing that many other people are as mixed up and chaotic as me.

It’s fine. Everything’s fine.

We will deal with one issue at a time – whether it’s my chin hair, my vagina neck or that Publix commercial causing me to burst into tears.

I know I’m not alone. I know I’m better when I open up and connect with others. I’m OK when I can share my feelings with my family and my friends. I can be sad about friends I’ve drifted from or that I used to be close with but are now on different paths from me. I can be grateful that I’ve rekindled and reconnected with others in my life.

I feel better when I pass along a compliment to someone else, when I crack a joke to make someone else laugh (even at my own expense) and when I have something on my calendar I can look forward to and not dread.

I know this now. So, I will say this – I know myself better, even as crazy, hot flash Mandy than I did 9 years ago and 29 years ago. Lately, I feel closer to God too – my God and how I envision my creator/muse, probably not your version of God. (Something I read recently caused me to realize that God is a verb, not a noun, at least for me. I can only speak for myself).

And I like that. I love it, actually.

So, cheers to me in all my crazy emotions and crazy life.

Cheers to you, too!