Dear Inventor of the Automatic Flushing Toilet,

Dear Inventor of the Automatic Flushing Toilet,

Why did you have to put your scientific skills to work at such a trivial thing like commodes flushing by themselves?  Are we as a society so completely lazy that we can’t take two seconds to reach over and pull the lever ourselves?  I mean, honestly?

Instead of a laser beam on a commode, why not be like Dr. Evil and put them on sharks in a pool to get rid of your arch enemies?

Or perhaps you can put those red lights to work for benefit of greater mankind –inserting them into the eyes of criminals when they try to rob a bank?

I’m sure together we can come up with much more suitable options for the general public.  Some where quality is not compromised and service is considerate for users.
Sure, I get the need to be “hands free” and keep those fingers clean, especially in public bathrooms.  Who knows what animals crawled in and died before we sit down to do number one or number two??

But let’s discuss a few reasons why this laser beam-butt-censored mechanism just doesn’t work too well for some of us average folks, (like me):

1.  Before you even sit down to take care of business, the flushing begins. If you DO NOT have pants on, then your bunghole gets a surprise facial/spa treatment and not in the good way. If you DO have your underwear on, then you probably just soiled them from the surprise geyser like experience!

2. If you have a child in the cramped potty stall with you, like I do, then chances are, this little automatic flushing toilet will SCARE the child causing him/her to clutch their mama for dear life.   That in turn causes the mommy to lose grip of her feet, hit her head on the door and nearly fall into that toilet where more multiple flushing episodes can then unfold.  Let the meltdowns begin!!  Child services is stepping in to see if I’m abusing my kid when all I’m trying to do is have her to sit down on the toilet so she won’t pee on herself!

3. What if you just so happen to be taking a longer time in the bathroom….  Say you need to do a “courtesy” flush but you’re kind of in the middle of it all.  So, you have to make a choice, one that others in the room are sure to figure out what you’re really doing in there…. I heard a flush, that person must be finished…. wait, No!…. the door is still shut…. what is taking him/her so long?  Oh gosh, never mind, there is another “courtesy” flush…. And now I smell it…. The automatic flush feature just further embarrasses and prolongs what should be a private, simple part of human nature.

Is this shameful and inferior product necessary?  I think not!

Isn’t it a bit like a stalker?  Always watching…. waiting….. for me (and others) to sit down, stand up, drop a load, spring a leak….

Take your beaming red eyes off of me, pal!  This is not a free show!

And please, DO NOT even get me started on those damn automatic hand dryer things as well!  You just casually slip a wet hand under there only to be blown to death, feeling as if your skin will fall off.  “Houston, we have a problem…. you lost your rocket boosters to a wall gadget in the Target public restroom!  I repeat, Houston we have a problem.  My arm is about to fall out but yes, it is dry now, thank you.”  

Can’t we just go back to a world where you flush and dry your own body parts?  What’s next?  A butt wiper machine?  Oh wait, those handy devices already exist…. They’re called moms.  And nurses.  So really…. we’ve got it covered already.  Thanks!

Yours truly,
Miss Tired Of Your Eyes On Me And I’m Capable Of Flushing It Myself