Something Dark and Something Light

I just finished reading a dark, painfully but beautifully written book. The topic was heavy – about a ninth-grade girl who was raped and didn’t speak up about it. She fell into a depression and shut everyone out. At the end, she finally began to use her voice and was on the verge of telling her story. That kind of book is hard to read but I feel compelled to face these hard topics sometimes. Life is not all giggles and wonderful moments, after all.

Thankfully, I’ve never experienced something like the character in this story did. But I could relate to times in my life when I felt mute, like I couldn’t speak up or that my voice didn’t count or didn’t matter.

After a somber book like that, I have to switch to something light, funny and even kooky. So I read about a kid spy who was called to England to find the Queen of England’s stolen spoon. Absurd? Yes! Fun? Yes!

Thinking about these book choices – going from something dark to something light- that sort of sums up life this year in 2020. Lots of dark things are happening but there is still some light too. Some days may not feel like that, but they do exist and darkness does and will pass.

Sometimes we must be our own light, or even our own absurdity to transform from dark to light. For example, one day a few weeks ago by the end of the day, I was just so defeated and down in the dumps. The weight of the pandemic, racial injustice, political divides and ugliness I was seeing and sensing just pushed me to the edge.  I was angry and moody. Then it changed and I was extremely sad, about to burst into tears. The majority of the day had ended and it was nearly dinner time. I had to face my children. I know I do not always have to be perfect and OK in front of them, but I wanted to be OK that day. I needed to be okay for me.

So I did what I had to do…I acted completely ridiculous. I put on some music since music usually helps uplift my spirits. I began singing in grunts like I was Chewbacca from Star Wars. I think I began with the first few lines of Katy Perry’s Roar song… Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?

Picture those words but picture me singing them in grunts and foreign sounds like I’m from another galaxy. After Katy Perry I moved onto songs from Pitch Perfect. Then Disney film music. My two girls were in hysterics. Soon I was too.

We kept doing this grunt sing-song throughout dinner– singing songs in grunts and animal sounds, trying to guess the song from each other. My husband looked at us like we needed a time-out or should have our heads examined. That just made us laugh more. My stomach hurt so much from laughing so hard. I had not laughed that vigorous in months. I sure needed that. Gosh, I needed that!

That was my something light that I created after a dark day, (a dark month if I’m being truthful).

I often think about the movie, “Inside Out,” when I feel my emotions are running high. I love that film, and I find it very profound. I did a Toastmasters speech about it a few years ago. Like the writer tried to make sense of his daughter’s changing emotions, I often try to make sense of my feelings and the feelings of those around me. We have our moments of anger, fear, sadness, disgust and joy. We can’t really have one without the other. We can’t truly appreciate a joyful moment unless we have experienced a very sad moment.

This year has been quite the roller coaster and 2020 still has another six months to go. I try to make sense out of what is happening in the world around me and the things I encounter. Sometimes I succeed at it. Sometimes I feel like a character within a video game – some stranger or being is just messing with me. And no, I don’t even like video games.

Did you think I had a point to this post? I’m not sure I do. I’m just writing… writing my feelings.

I’m admitting that I’m having some dark moments and some light moments, and they can go back and forth many times within the same day. I’m reading dark books and light books.

A few weeks ago I found myself slipping into a big state of sadness. Then I learned that someone else close to me was feeling like I was, perhaps even worse. So I reached out to that individual. We did our best to form a plan. Together we’re taking action to uplift our moods and engage ourselves in positive activities. We’re being each other’s light so we don’t dwell in the dark for too long.

Life is made up of dark moments and light moments. Hopefully we don’t seek out to create dark or attract the dark. Hopefully, we find within ourselves the power to create light and to experience light -joy, happiness, love, peace and appreciation.