An Aggressive Letter from the Tooth Fairy

I found this aggressive letter from the tooth fairy on my desk this morning. I’m very scared for the next tooth that goes loose or missing in our house.

Here’s what the letter said:

Dear Mrs. Fernandez,

I made it to your house again last night after a long, humid and stormy flight. This has been the third time in a month I’ve visited your daughter. She is on a losing streak of teeth. (By the way, I don’t think you’ve cleaned your house at all in these three visits I’ve made in the last several weeks – I saw a lot of dog hair on the sofa and carpets and dishes piled in your sink!)

I have met some curious kids over the years, including your first child/oldest daughter. In a binder I still have that first note Vivian left asking me for a photo and details explaining where I live. As I’ve stated before, this would invade my privacy and I’m not at liberty to disclose my location. I just told her the forest.

In addition, I’m also not at liberty to give my real name. I believe I told Vivian back in June of 2013 I am called “Tina the Tooth Fairy” to make her happy. But we both know I’m in the witness protection program after several incidents I cannot bring myself to talk about.

With your youngest daughter, Lana, her notes are more detailed and limiting. She draws out space for me to write in with arrows saying, “Write back here.” I’m guessing she is a leader among her peers or tries to be. She also asked me for a picture or “selfie” I think she said in the summer of 2019.

I’ve gotten used to this curiosity and fascination with your children and with a few other kids out there that I visit too.

But I must hand it to Lana. She did something last night I’ve never experienced in all my career as a tooth collecting fairy.

After I flew around your usual spots and didn’t see any teeth, I was about to give up. Then as I navigated through your living room, over the slippers, past the blanket that didn’t get picked up and cups of water still on TV trays, I finally found a series of notes from her telling me she lost her tooth. Then she proceeded to tell me to go into her room and visit the Fairy Shop.

I’ll admit I became excited. I haven’t been shopping in a long time. I could use a flavored coffee and some new clothes. I’d give anything to visit that store with the big bullseye. That place makes it easy for fairies to find it.

Anyway, I saw notes in the hallway with arrows followed by more notes in Lana’s room where she was sleeping. The “fairy shopping mall” was in the corner of her room and it just smelled like “trap” to me. I didn’t like it one bit.

I don’t know what I was expecting but erasers, bouncing balls, a marker, and scary looking animal figurines was not what I pictured in my mind for “fairy shop.” I mean I give her an A for effort, for trying, but at 4:30 a.m., after I’ve been flying around picking up bloody teeth all evening long, I would like to find a lounge chair or a fairy hot tub to soak my feet in…it’s not good to get my wings too wet.

I found myself crouching like a tiger in this shopping village Lana created when I should have already been home in my city condo drinking a glass of wine…oops, I mean my beautiful forest cabin overlooking a brook where deer come to drink.

What set me over my limit though was the signs asking for tips and donations. I’m on hard times just trying to gather dollar bills, coins and tooth brushes these days. I just don’t have anything else to give parents and children.

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. Or maybe I do. I’m just really tired Mrs. Fernandez, and I think this pandemic may be taking its toll on me and my mental health. When I hear about another fallen tooth, I have to schedule it on my cell phone calendar. It’s getting to be too much.

Can I ask you a favor? Could I possibly switch places with the St. Patrick’s Day leprechaun and visit your house on that day instead?

I hear those leprechauns have a smashing time at your place, and I do mean literal smashing…the pictures of how that sneaky green thing tore up your children’s school projects are legendary! I hear one ruined your kid’s doll and she cried about it for an hour after she found it. The other creatures talk about how your leprechaun also left toilet paper strewn in different rooms around the house. Now that’s what I’m talking about!

Help a sister out here, Mrs. Fernandez! Fairy Frannie here needs a solid favor! (No, that’s not my real name either!)

But yeah, don’t leave out any Lucky Charms cereal for me on that day. I don’t want that crap. Instead I’ll take some of your dark chocolate bars and those three bottles of wine chilling in your mini fridge right now.

Thank you,
Tooth Fairy

P.S. – I’m not really asking, I’m telling you like how your kids make demands in their notes to me.

P.P.S – I’ll sprinkle more than “fairy dust” around your house, if you know what I mean.