All the Feels

Who else is experiencing a tornado of emotions? Happy and content one minute before turning into an angry, multi-headed beast the next? Then crying uncontrollably later on that same day? For a change, this hasn’t been me recently. I felt more like this in May, June and early July of this year, but I’ve been more “balanced” lately, I suppose.  Actually, this time it’s my 8-year-old daughter in third grade who has been having “all the feels” – the more recent slang being used to describe overwhelming emotional reactions.   

On Friday afternoon, in the middle of one of her favorite activities – Ballet dance, she just lost control of her feelings. She was dressed out in her leotard and tutu, at first excited about dancing. Then something inside her flipped a switch. She began stomping around and groaning. She didn’t want to do what the teacher instructed. She hid on the side instead. I said, “We can leave and end this dance.” At first, she didn’t want to, but then she didn’t want to dance either. Either decision seemed wrong to her. Finally, I made the decision for her. Ballet ended.

That just escalated whatever she was feeling. Soon the anger turned to flowing tears.

“Go take some time to yourself,” I told her and pointed to where she could be comfortable and alone to cry or feel what she needed to do.

I was recently describing her strong emotions to a friend who reminded me about that surge of hormones that happens to kids, girls especially, at her age due to adrenarche (or the pre-puberty stage). This Parents magazine article has a parent describing her child going from cheerful and laid-back to one who flew off the handle over trivial things but could not understand or describe why she was feeling this way. (Oh that’s my kid alright!) The adrenarche stage can take place about two years before puberty occurs. It is more about the internal changes than any physical changes that can be seen on the outside like puberty.

In simplest terms, kids in the age ranges of 6 to 9 may feel extra emotional and not know why or understand how to process their emotional surges happening on the insides of their bodies. This can shock both the parents (yes!) and the kids, but especially the parents, because we expect our kids to be out of the “tantrum” phase by this time. And they’re too young to have that sassy, moody teenager tone too.

Did I mention that my 8-year-old has red (strawberry blonde) hair? Couple this pre-puberty hormone surge fact with people telling me that redheads are more sensitive and quick-tempered than most. The stereotype is that red heads are “hot-headed, dramatic and high strung.” Even Psychology Today talks about red haired people studies describing the sensitivity and the pain and tolerance that individuals with red hair have as compared to brunettes.

I hate buying into stereotypes like this, but when I reflect on my experiences with my daughter, they do tend to ring true. Even as a baby I’d say to my husband, “Dang, this baby girl is mad and is acting stubborn!” She had so much passion packed into that tiny body. She still does.

At least I know there’s a reason for it all. I know that even when it doesn’t make sense to her, or to me, it’s still “normal” for her age, for her red hair and who she is thanks to the genes in her body that make up who she is and who she is becoming.

What I have to do typically is just let my daughter play out her strong emotions, whatever they may be. I walk away or ask her to walk away to find her safe space (her room, the sofa, etc.) where she can get “all the feels” out and then come back to me and talk to me more calmly and rationally.

There is no point trying to talk to my child when she’s upset. I’ve tried it numerous times over the years, and it just won’t work. I’ve learned that she gets embarrassed over her emotions too. She knows at times that she can’t control what she is feeling and gets even more upset when others start looking at her, paying attention to her or trying to calm her down.

Have you ever been in a public place, shopping at a grocery store or shopping mall store, when your child just loses her or his mind? Nothing can console the kid. Then total strangers start coming up to you and giving you advice… “That kid needs a nap.”  Or “feed that kid mom!” Or repeat any unwanted piece of advice that doesn’t fit, and you didn’t solicit. That’s the worst! People think they are trying to be helpful but most moms like me just want to go unnoticed and not be talked to or have more attention drawn to the situation.

Often, I have grabbed my children from that public place, kicking and screaming, walked out into the parking lot desperate to find the car. I find it and then place my child in the car. Then in the closed-door comfort of my van, we can both scream and cry the whole way home, feeling all of our feels.

In the case of yesterday, my daughter did go calm down on her own. She later came to me apologizing for her behavior. I told her it was fine, and I was glad she was feeling better now. After she let her feelings out, we could hug and share our own emotional battles and experiences. We could laugh about it too. I also gave her this book on feelings which is a wonderful, easy-to-read book. It’s presented in an appealing, understanding way for girls like her.

I share this story and experience to just let others know that you’re not alone if you’ve been through this (or if you’re going through this or may go through this in the near future). I’m not trying to embarrass my girl. She has nothing to be embarrassed about. She can’t help it. Sometimes, and certain times of the month or year, I can’t help myself either! We’ve all been there.

Sometimes our emotions do seem to take over our brain and our bodies. I think about the film Inside Out. That movie had such an impact on me and made me think of my parenting style and my children in new ways. I even wrote a speech about it and gave the speech to my Toastmasters group. I just read that speech again today to remind myself the important lesson from the movie: “Experience your emotions. Invite them to play. Find a way to learn from them and achieve that needed balance again.”

No matter what though, I sure do love this kid and all her strong, passionate feelings she experiences. She causes me to feel “all the feels” too. She challenges me in new ways I have never experienced. She opens up and expands my heart in deeper ways too. I wouldn’t change a thing about her, and I wish I had some of that red hair too.