Connections

A colleague of mine recently blurted out to me, “I need some friends.”  Her candid honesty surprised and refreshed me.  I knew she had not lived in the area long.  She was still navigating through this community.  The only people she knows is through our employer.

This woman is 27.  And I never thought being in your twenties would be difficult but I suppose her situation is a bit more isolating than others.  She is not married but in a serious relationship.  She has no children.  She works hard at a full-time job and does not always enjoy going out for drinks after a long day in the office.  She has lived in the city for less than a year.  Those are all strikes that isolate her from most groups – the singles, the parents, the bar/club hoppers and the hometown kids who’ve lived here their whole life.

I remember being in my mid-twenties and married with no children.  We moved to another state and I too found it difficult to make friends.  This was before I knew about or joined social media sites like Facebook.  The internet was around though so I learned to research, eavesdrop in public settings and ask a lot of questions.

For awhile I had joined a New Neighbors League, a welcome club open to anyone.  This group included a mix of women and men, all ages- some single, some married, some working, some retired, some with kids, some without.  I didn’t feel real connected with any one particular person in the group but at least it did force me out of my tiny apartment at the time.

Later I was a part of online groups and in-person groups – travel groups, moms groups and other meetups. I moved around a lot with my husband between 2005 and 2009.  Therefore by our last move, I was very proactive in already establishing myself a potential friend and group before we even put up the house for-sale sign.

My co-worker seemed to be having a bad day – a bit like she might snap.  I could relate.  I remember being in that position and feeling just like her.  I believe we all go a bit stir crazy if we feel alone or isolated for too long…

As that famous quote says, “No man is an island.”  I think it must be even more stronger for women.  We must connect with others.  That quotation is from John Donne (1572-1631).

“All mankind is of one author, and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated…As therefore the bell that rings to a sermon, calls not upon the preacher only, but upon the congregation to come: so this bell calls us all: but how much more me, who am brought so near the door by this sickness….No man is an island, entire of itself…any man’s death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.”

Wow, that is deep, huh?  Those are powerful words for being written so long ago but they relate to today’s society too.

I have been trying to think of ways to help this co-worker of mine.  My time is more limited since I’m a married woman of twelve years, in my mid-30’s with two kids and working full-time at a university business outreach center.  I’m in a different isolation – the no time to myself isolation.  But I feel more connected with people through being a “mom,” a “writer” or a “work outside the home mom.”  I also have a few handful of people I can reach out to for when I’m feeling lonely.  She doesn’t have that yet.

When I was a stay at home mom, I was a member of moms clubs for non-working moms who took care of the household.  I took time off with both of my children and those groups saved my sanity.  I was once involved in an online mothers groups too.  But I’ve since let my membership fade to these associations due to personal and professional obligations. I keep in touch with a few folks but it’s not quite the same.

Now I have to go home to care for my two children.  I help a first grader with homework.  I just finished potty-training my two year old.  I have three people counting on me for a delicious, healthy meal.  I perform chores.  I write whenever I can in my spare time.  I’m planning to start graduate school in the fall.  Soon my free moments will be spent studying and doing homework.

Still I want to assist this lady – to creatively avail her in making friends and feeling connected.  Connection is important and not just about how many Facebook friends you have either.  Technology can still never replace human touch.   The letters “LOL” are no comparison for a real laugh out loud that is from a friend, a hearty snort.  Feeling socially and spiritually connected with others are vital components we humans need.

Therefore, when she mentioned wanting to improve her public speaking skills and taking on new professional development, I jumped at the chance to help her.  At last…that was something I knew I could do.  I immediately looked into local Toastmasters groups and signed us up to attend meetings.  Improving my own public speech will be a great thing for me.  This would be a smart way for us to bond and gain vital skills too. I found two groups who meet at noon on weekdays.  We have visited both locations and will decide soon which one to join.  And who knows….maybe new friend opportunities will arise for both of us from the group we choose.

I have moved around.  Others have been kind enough to welcome me. I try to do the same for new people.  At times, I’ve just facilitated friendships between others even if I was not close with the people.  Sometimes just leading the way for another person to connect is all you can do (and what you should do).  Being the newcomer is a challenge but I will do what I can to help this girl.  Maybe she will become a trusted confidant of mine too even though we’re in different stages of our lives.  I’m open to it.  She seems pretty cool after all.