Messy Moments in Marriage (or Relationships)

Whether you’ve been married for thirteen years like me or you are just starting a new relationship, at some point, you are going to reach messy moments-both literally and figuratively.

I thought about this recently as my husband and I were giving solicited advice to a single friend who is back in the dating pool and also to a colleague trying to navigate through a rocky partnership.

As I was listening to the friend describe the good and not-so-great points about the significant other, I looked over at my husband with gratitude and love. Our relationship isn’t perfect but we are in a steady groove and have gone through some past rough moments. For some reason now, we are able to laugh more and let frustrations go a lot sooner than we did in years prior.

Five nights prior to this single vs. married-committed relationship discussion, my husband and I were standing side by side on a late Sunday evening cleaning up a mess I had made using the waffle maker from that morning. It was after 8:00 pm and we were both tired. We had babysat for our friend the night before. Four girls had been in the house instead of just our two daughters. So we were up later than usual and up early too. I tried to be the good mom who made a healthy breakfast for all the kids. I had a recipe for peanut butter chocolate chip waffles. My efforts seemed to go well until I opened up the waffle machine. The batter completely stuck to the sides. Despite my delicate efforts to scrape it off, the whole waffle crumbled into one giant, unappealing mess.

“Just great!” I said aloud. “The waffles are ruined and I don’t even have cereal in the house for these kids.”

“No big deal,” my husband said. “I’ll just go pick up donuts for them. I’m sure they’d rather have that instead anyway.”

“Okay, thank you!” I replied.

This is such a small and insignificant detail from my daily routine. Yet the notion really proves how my spouse comes through for me. When my efforts fail and my frustration forms, he often steps in to offer a solution. He helps me calm down, telling me not to worry.

I have dropped drinking glasses all over the floor. I have broken plates pulling them out of the dishwasher. I have spilled leftovers pulling them from the fridge. Yet I am never alone in picking up the pieces or wiping away the chaos. My husband helps me, either by pitching in with napkins or a mop; often he’ll distract the kids so they don’t come in and make the muddle worse.

I realize that these are just tiny moments. What about the big times in life when a mess occurs?

How about the time a charge showed up on our credit card because I let a hotel rewards guy scam me into a deal? What about the time I booked the wrong date for an airline and we had to pay several hundred dollars to change it to the correct day? How about our family moving across the country for a new job but we couldn’t sell our old house for a year and fell into debt for awhile? How about the incidents when we both had health issues and made several visits to the emergency room between 2010 and 2012?

Oh yes, we have had our share of not so pleasant moments. My husband still gives me a hard time about not picking things back up where they belong on shelves or in drawers. I roll my eyes at him when I come home to find an empty paper towel roll or the trash can full. We have our quirks and annoyances with each other. No one is perfect. No relationship is without its faults.

Yet somehow over time my partner and I have become more loving and appreciative. My husband wakes up and makes me coffee nearly every morning, usually eggs to go with it too. I hang up my spouse’s shirts and fold his underwear before I put it away. We have our meals together every day. We kiss and hug several times per day. We tell each other, “I love you” and we mean it.  We want to see each other do well and succeed.  We are not competitive about that either.  He is my # 1 fan and I am his.

Lately I’m so grateful for him because he’s taken on even more responsibility with the children so I could return to school. He doesn’t love it but he supports my decision to pursue a graduate degree. I began class a few weeks ago and he has to prepare our kids’ dinner, get them ready for bed and more before I ever make it home. I don’t arrive until 10 o’clock two nights per week. Both girls are typically asleep by then.

Now I’m spending half my weekends studying, reading and doing schoolwork. This is not an easy phase we are in but I know we can push through this- the  same way we have done with all our past trials and tribulations.

The bottom line is that there’s no one else I’d rather come home to each night. There’s no one else I’d rather spend my free time with (Free time, ha!? What’s that?). Even in the messiest of messy moments, I know that my husband is the one I want helping me or even flinging mud my way.

That’s what makes a good marriage or relationship or partnership. Think about it.

Who can you stand next to for the really chaotic moments? Who can help you, uplift you and support you?

Who is there for you in those little, crazy moments in life? If someone is there for the insignificant, fall-apart times, then they will most likely be by your side when the big, messy moments happen too.

I feel very, very lucky to have a committed partner in my husband.  I try not to take him for granted-to let him continually know I’m thankful for him daily.  I wish everyone could have that person or partner that completes him or her-no matter who that may be (a significant other, a friend, a teacher, a mentor or whoever fulfills him or her).

But I don’t wish my waffle maker mess or the broken glass I dropped on the floor on anyone else. No, that would just be cruel.