Looking for Signs, Symbols and Meaning

How are you doing and feeling these days?

I’m going to be honest. I struggle at times to make sense of (and in) this world. I’m always looking for signs, symbols and meaning that appeal to me or reach my core.

A week ago, I set out for a three-mile walk alone. I put my headphones in my ears and let dance-pop music play. I needed to clear my mind, especially since it doesn’t seem to shut off lately.  

I have been feeling overwhelmed. Too much is happening, and my worries nearly consume me.

That catchy song Way Less Sad by AJR began to play through my music player…

I’m a-okay, I’m a-okay (ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah)
You say it but you just don’t mean it
You’re so insane, you’re so insane (ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah)
Shut up and just enjoy this feelin’

Don’t you love it, don’t you love it?
No, I ain’t happy yet
But I’m way less sad
Don’t you love it, don’t you love it?
No, I ain’t happy yet
But I’m way less sad

That’s me, I thought and began to cry a little.

I’m not happy yet, but I’m way less sad (than I felt during the spring and summer of 2020, most of 2021 and a month ago).

I have many things to be grateful for and I do feel blessed.
I am healthy. I have my family. I’m not in the middle of a war zone.
And yet, still… I’m not happy yet.

Perhaps it’s too much sad, bad news all around me, although I have significantly reduced my time on TV and social media since the beginning of 2022 (and that has helped me be more mindful and purposeful of the time I spend).

Perhaps it’s navigating this “new normal” in a post-pandemic (dare I say almost-over pandemic? world) and its effects catching up with me?

Perhaps it’s guilt over family members, friends and loved ones I know struggling through various hardships?

Perhaps it’s me taking in all the bad stuff and not letting it be released off my shoulders?

I take it in, and it oozes. I don’t let it go.

I continued to walk and listen to more songs. Billy Joel and Bon Jovi came on. My spirits brightened up a bit more.

Then out of the corner of my eye, I saw a cardinal fly from one tree to another.

Granny, is that you? Or Maw-Maw? Are you telling me to get over my funk and be strong?

I see a second cardinal. Maybe it was both of them? Or one of my grandfathers with one of them?

I cried a little more but this time a more hopeful, happier cry.

I’ve been praying for signs to direct me, help me feel less stressed and less lost. I’ve been praying to feel re-engaged and reconnected to this world and the life I live. Because I know I’m so very lucky to be where I am and have the life I do.

I am loved and feel loved. What rights do I have to complain?

I felt so much better after my walk, having that time to soak in the scenery and music.

I sat down in the bathroom the next day and turned a page to a new word search I keep near the toilet.

The topic said, “Slow Going” and it said this:
“Time to slow down the pace a little and take it easy. Feel free to find these slow-moving words at your leisure, there’s absolutely no rush.”

I laughed and smiled.

I will take that as a sign and symbol for my next move. It sure sounds better than the previous page of gargoyles.

I do need to slow down. I need to slow my mind and my worries, take one moment, one minute, one hour, and one day at a time. Stop being in a rush.

I need to incorporate some of the words from the list. Be a dawdler. Check my pulse once in a while. Remember how the turtle finished the race (slow and steady). I can determine my own cadence. March to my own beat.

So, I’m working on it. I’m figuring it out.

Writing about it and being honest helps me make sense of myself and feel better. I know I can’t be alone in how I feel.

I also turn to books and movies as an escape and a wake-up call in how good I have it. Sometimes immersing myself in an adventure or into a historically accurate, much darker, sadder situation is enough to snap me back to reality.

I’m more than halfway through this incredible book about women who helped others during World War 2. The Girls Who Stepped Out of Line is inspirational and a wonderful reminder that I’m where I am today (even in my less than happy state) thanks to the courage and sacrifice of others.

Music, dancing, hugs and planning for breaks of fun are all helping too. So that’s it from me (for now). How about you?

Do you look for signs and symbols and find meaning in the ordinary or crazy things you encounter in your routine and life?